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Studies show a trend by millennial and Gen Z populations that opt for more casual dating lifestyles than those of older generations.  Lifestyles that choose being single (also called self-partnering) over being in a relationship, or an emphasis on friendships that are pseudo-relationships.  This choice often brings a sense of freedom that a traditional relationship does not.  While self-partnering and pseudo-relationships may work for some, there are still many people searching for the perfect partner. What are the reasons we love AND try to find the perfect partner?

I have a theory that deep down every person, every single one, wants to be possessed.  By this I mean we all want to belong to someone.  We all want that person who will be our docking station, if you will, where we are held securely while we recharge.  We all need a person we can turn to in this world, a person that is safe, who we can be ourselves around, and who will protect us.

But obviously, not all relationships work out that nicely.

So what are the reasons we love, why do we choose the people we do for intimate partners?

A recent article in Vogue magazine quotes Kristen Stewart as saying, “I only date people who compliment me.”

This explains why many of us choose the people we do.  We need someone who compliments us. Someone who enhances the aspects of our lives that are most important to us, whether it’s starting a family, traveling the world, or creating a business, we seek someone that will promote the things that are most important to us at that time in our life.


For example, when I was in my late teens I craved experience and adventure more than anything else.  I carried a reputation for being studious and polite.  What I wanted more than anything was to get rid of my good girl (boring) status.  So, as you might guess, my first relationship was a little wild.  I chose a motorcycle riding, heavily tattooed, and gone to jail on a minor drug and theft conviction person as my partner.

For two years we complimented one another rather nicely. I was the wholesome responsible girl that could be brought to family dinners to show they were getting their life together, while they gave me the introduction to a party lifestyle that I thought my life resume needed.  After a few years, I had all the wildness I could handle and a newfound respect for stability, responsibility, and dependability.

What I came to understand is that it’s important to try to know why you are choosing the person you are choosing.  Often long lapses into singlehood will cause us to jump into a relationship with someone just because they are the first person to show interest.  Besides loneliness, other factors that can push us into a relationship prematurely are poverty, trying to leave an abusive relationship or pressure from our friends and family.

Whatever your reasons for choosing a partnership or loving the person you do, remember that getting out of a relationship is more cumbersome than getting into one so we all need to choose wisely.

The author speaks from personal experience. What has your experience been in choosing a partner? Did you end up with someone just to fill a void, or were your choices based on quality information about another person, and you really meshing?

Whatever your choices were, I am sure you have learned a thing or two about your partner choices and why over 

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